Sleep Well
by rosekatxo
Summary: Inspired by the title of S19 E40, "Sleep Well". Semi-canon. Jasmine's funeral, and how Jac deals with it.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This started off as a oneshot idea (which doesn't even feature in this chapter) but quickly spiralled into this… There'll be another chapter, possibly two, in the next couple of days. I'm not sure how or where this fits into the show's timeline so just go with it. Just an interpretation of how Jasmine's funeral could play out, or at least how it does in my head.**

 **Not sure how happy I am with how this turned out on paper, but I hope you enjoy, please r &r x**

 **P.S. I promise I'll post the next chapter of Protection ASAP! I'm just finding it easier to write angsty fics atm, but I'll definitely try to get back on track this week.**

It was going to be a beautiful service, Jac reminded herself.

Although it had taken her a while to wrap her head around being Jasmine's next of kin, and therefore being left in sole charge of the funeral arrangements, Jac had eventually made her peace with it. Jasmine had no other family besides herself, a trait the two of them shared, and she owed it to her sister to give her the best send-off possible (she owed her so much more than that too, so much of which she would never be able to repay, that this was the least she could do). Money wasn't an issue – no, the logistics of organising the funeral were fine. What had thrown Jac was the unavoidable realisation that she hadn't known Jasmine well enough to _know_ what her sister would have wanted.

That was where Morven came in. Jac had approached the younger doctor warily, convinced that the girl still resented her somewhat for the way she'd treated Jasmine (not that she could blame her). However, she _had_ gone out of her way to seek out the redhead and tell her how much Jasmine loved her, gifting her the locket that had immediately become her most prized possession. The consultant knew Morven would do anything for Jasmine, and, of course, she knew more than most how difficult it was to plan a funeral. Whenever Jac thought about the suffering the young woman had been through the past year she felt a pang in her heart, but she knew the brunette wouldn't pass up the chance to give Jasmine the farewell she deserved.

The two of them had made a surprisingly good team, Jac taking charge of the formalities whilst Morven helped her decide on the music Jasmine would've wanted ("a bit of Ed Sheeran, she was in love with him you know… and we have to play Wannabe by the Spice Girls, that was always her karaoke song!"). Finding a box of old pictures in the back of Jasmine's wardrobe, they'd eventually chosen a few select snaps to display during the service, along with some more recent ones from their own phones. It had also been Morven's idea to introduce a colourful theme to the service, suggesting each guest should wear a bright flower in Jasmine's honour. "Funerals are always too depressing," she'd argued. "Jas brightened up all of our lives, we should be celebrating her."

"Jac?"

The redhead blinked, a soft voice beside her bringing her back into the present. Morven's face came into focus as she turned her head, wondering idly how long they'd been sat there for. "It's time to go," the younger woman whispered, reaching over to adjust the bright yellow flower pinned to Jac's lapel. Once satisfied, Morven leant back, allowing her hand to fall on top of the redhead's and squeezing it gently. Jac took a deep breath before nodding, pulling her hand away and stepping out of the car. By the time she had set both feet firmly on the ground and closed the door behind her, Morven was at her side, the two moving silently to stand behind the hearse as they waited for the vicar to commence proceedings.

Jac squinted as she surveyed the scene in front of her, the sunlight obscuring her view. Morven was right, Jasmine had been a much-needed ray of sunshine among the wards of Holby, and it seemed serendipitous that they were to lay her to rest on such a beautiful day. As her eyes adjusted to the light, Jac could make out a sea of familiar faces. Her ever-dependable Sacha, who of course she'd asked to be main pallbearer (she wouldn't trust anybody else), sorrow etched across his face. Surrounding him were several of their male colleagues, all determined to do their part: Oliver, Hanssen, Matteo, Dom, and Damon, the latter of whom looked to be visibly struggling already.

Jac's heart went out to him – she'd wondered whether the poor guy would be up for it, but he'd almost begged her to let him honour Jasmine by carrying the casket. Damon had taken her death harder than anyone except Jac and Morven, but then that was to be expected, Jac thought. What he'd seen that day had scarred him for life, and it was this that had drawn him and Jac closer. They'd formed a weird kind of bond, not entirely professional as consultant and F1 but nowhere near romantic either; Jac supposed they were both finding comfort in their shared grief and experiences. Either way, she was pleased he was here, and something told her that Jasmine would be too. The young doctors had only just met, but from what she'd heard, a flirtation had been on the cards, and Morven had told her that Jas would be thrilled to know what an impact she'd made on her "Romeo".

Jonny had offered to take part too, of course, and it had taken Jac days of deliberating before she'd eventually declined. A huge part of her wished he was by her side to support her through this, but she'd had to put her daughter's needs before her own and the thought of leaving Emma with a stranger on the day of her auntie's funeral seemed beyond cruel. Jonny hadn't known Jasmine too well, but he'd known what she meant to his girls, and he knew more than anyone just how much her death had affected Jac. But today, what Jac needed more than anything was to know that Emma was being looked after so that she wouldn't have to worry about her. This way, she wouldn't feel guilty about allowing herself to concentrate on both celebrating and mourning her sister – all that mattered right now was Jasmine.

Glancing around, the consultant felt a lump rise in her throat at the sheer number of people who had turned up to say their last goodbye. Jasmine had been at Holby for less than a year, but by the looks of it she'd touched a lot of lives in such a short space of time. All of Darwin were there, as well as most of Keller and AAU (Jac wondered for a brief moment who was actually running the hospital right now) - she'd even spotted a weary-looking Serena huddled into Bernie's side, clearly having cut her sabbatical short to make the journey, but she didn't have the energy to care about her reappearance today. Bernie's son was also with them - apparently, he was a friend of Jasmine's, and Jac was pretty sure he and Morven were an item - as was Jason, who Morven had informed her had struck up a real bond with her sister, much to Jac's surprise. There were lots of other familiar faces she couldn't quite place, probably those who worked in the various cafes and bars the staff often frequented, and a handful of people Jac had never seen in her life, who she presumed were Jasmine and Morven's friends outside of work.

Neither Jac or Morven had been able to contact any of Jasmine's old friends; in fact, there'd been no sign of her keeping in touch with anybody from her past, a thought that made Jac's chest tighten for more than one reason.

As she turned her back to the sun, Jac locked eyes with another face, a rush of gratitude and emotion flooding through her body. There at the edge of the crowd, looking flustered as though she'd only just arrived, was Mo. The consultant had only moved to London a few weeks earlier, but Jac was heartened that she'd returned so soon to pay her respects. Mo and Jasmine had got on like a house on fire from the start, and their colleague was one of the only people who knew how complex the sisters' relationship really was. She was also one of the select few who Jac actually trusted, and knowing her friend was there for moral support made the redhead feel slightly reassured. As Mo returned her gaze, shooting her an empathetic smile, Jac hoped she knew how much it meant to her that she was there. She couldn't quite put it into words how she felt seeing so many people mourning Jasmine and supporting her, but it made her heart ache painfully.

"Are we ready?"

The vicar had returned, and after a quick glance at Morven, whose tense expression she could only assume matched her own, Jac nodded. It was time.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I probably should've mentioned this last time, but I'm not entirely sure where Fran fits into this. I definitely didn't want her at the funeral, so I guess you can make up your own minds about how canon it is. All the relationships in it are slightly different to what we've seen on screen anyway, so this is just my interpretation. I really struggled with the ending of this chapter, so sorry if it seems a bit abrupt and out of place! The next (and hopefully final) part should be up in the next few days, I haven't actually written it yet but I have it planned out :)**

 **Hope you enjoy, please r &r as per x**

"The first time I met Jasmine, she told me that getting old happens to all of us."

After several hymns and readings, including a surprisingly personal speech from the vicar herself – it turned out Lexy had been one of Jasmine's first patients at Holby, and her eternal optimism had left a lasting impact on the older woman – Morven had taken up her position at the altar. They'd decided she would be the only one of Jasmine's loved ones to speak, Jac being unable to find either the words or the strength to eulogise her sister's life in front of so many people. The young doctor was determined to do her best friend proud, but as she stood in front of the congregation Jac could see how hard she was fighting to keep her composure, gripping the ledge in front of her like her life depended on it.

"I'd only lost my husband a few weeks before, and I remember so clearly telling her that wasn't strictly true, because some people die young. I had no idea back then just how poignant that conversation would be. Jas didn't know about Arthur at the time, so she didn't understand why I was so down. But instantly I felt a connection with her, and before I knew it I was telling her everything. Things I hadn't told a single soul, like how some days I felt the same way as the patient we were treating. How some days I didn't want to carry on existing." Morven took a deep breath, purposely avoiding the eyes of her friends which she knew were upon her. She didn't want their pity, not now or ever, but she needed them all to know just how much Jasmine had helped her.

"She showed me so much compassion that day. She listened, and tried to understand, and let me in on a few of her own secrets too. Her own life was far from perfect, but by treating me like an ordinary human being and not a grieving widow she made me feel like _me_ again. For the first time in weeks, I felt like I had a purpose again and I realised then that it would do me good to get to know her better.

If Arthur's death taught me anything, it's that life's too short to wait around for something to happen. So even though I was scared of being left alone again, I offered her my spare room that same day. She'd told me she was moving from bedsit to bedsit, she didn't have any friends around here and didn't seem to know how to make any either, and I'd never needed a friend more. She was reluctant at first, but in the end she agreed, and I think we were both as relieved as each other to finally have some company."

Looking down at her hands, willing them to stop shaking, she continued.

"When she turned up on my doorstep after her shift that night, I was so worried things would be awkward between us. We'd only just met, and usually people think I'm either annoying or too boring. But within an hour, it was like we'd known each other forever. We ordered pizza, got drunk on three bottles of rose and woke up in a heap on the sofa the next morning with pounding headaches. I still don't know how we dragged ourselves into work the next morning – sorry, Mr Hanssen," Morven chuckled nervously, eliciting smiles and laughter from their friends as the man in question tilted his head amusedly. "It was worth it, though. Our friendship was solid from then on. Before Jas, I really didn't know how I could go on without Arthur, but she brought the light back into my life and for that I'll be forever grateful. We might have only had a year or so together, but that year gave me a lifetime of memories."

She looked up from the podium for the first time since she'd begun to speak, taking in her friends' nostalgic expressions.

"Jas didn't always have an easy time of it here. She had a habit of rushing in all guns blazing without thinking of the consequences, she hated asking for help, and often she misjudged situations. I'm not going to pretend she was perfect, in fact she was far from it and she'd tell you that herself! But she was _human_ , she had flaws and good qualities just like the rest of us, and that's what made her so likeable. She was a beautiful young woman with a beautiful soul, and she touched all of our lives in some way. Whether you knew her well or not, her presence was felt all over the hospital – her enthusiasm, her excitement, her happiness, her undeniable talent. You're all here today because you wanted to honour her life, and it would make her so happy to know how loved she was. All she ever wanted was to be liked, and I hope she knew how important she was to all of us."

At this Morven paused for breath, locking eyes with the redhead who sat alone in the front row, staring determinedly ahead. She wasn't sure whether what she was about to do would be appreciated (her suspicions told her probably not), but she had to do it. She knew it was what Jasmine would have wanted.

"There's just one more thing I want to say," she continued. "Jasmine told me something else the day I met her. She told me that for as long as she could remember, she felt incomplete. Like something was missing. And that something was a family." She heard a sharp inhale of breath from the redhead, but pushed it out of her mind. "It's not my place to talk about it in detail, but I just wanted to say that finally getting to know her family over the past few months made Jas the happiest person on earth. Spending time with her sister and niece was all she'd ever dreamed of, and I'm so glad she got to have this time with them, even though they deserved a lifetime together. She adored them both with every fibre of her being, and she knew they loved her in return. She was so content with them, so at peace with her life, and I'll always be glad that she found them before it was too late.

Jas, I hope you're listening wherever you are. I hope you know how much we all miss you and how loved you'll always be. Whenever the sun is shining, we'll think of you and the happiness you brought every single one of us. We love you."

As she neared the end, Morven's voice cracked. Squeezing her eyes tightly shut, she had to choke back tears as she saw their friends looking back with expressions matching her own, some making a determined effort not to cry and others letting the tears flow freely. She hoped she'd done Jasmine proud. Sniffling, she moved back to her seat, sneaking a sideways glance at Jac as she sat down beside her. The older woman's eyes were glassy with unshed tears, but she hadn't let them spill over. She was (unconsciously, Morven presumed) digging her nails into her palms in an effort to stay composed, unsurprising given the consultant's infamous dislike of showing emotion. Their shoulders brushed as Morven resumed her position, and she felt a cold hand reach out to take her own once more.

Morven and Jac had compiled their favourite pictures of Jasmine into a slideshow to pay tribute to the young doctor, and as the opening notes of Photograph began to play, the older woman closed her eyes and willed herself to stay strong. She'd spent so many hours since Jasmine's death poring over every photo she could get her hands on, trying to imagine what her little sister had been like as a child, and each made her chest tighten painfully.

One by one, the pictures lit up the screen, showing each stage of the young doctor's life. A newborn Jasmine, tufts of auburn hair surrounding her face like a halo. Her first birthday, blue eyes wide and captivated by the cake in front of her. A toddler snuggled up to her teddy bear, looking positively angelic with her eyes closed. Young Jasmine, probably around 5, clutching a plastic stethoscope and bearing an uncanny resemblance to her future niece (the likeness had shocked Jac to the core upon seeing the picture for the first time). A nine-year-old in a sari, hair much lighter than it had been before, clearly taken in India. There couldn't have been many pictures taken after this, but Jac had found a couple in the back of the box. Teenage Jasmine at the beach. A school photo, probably from her final year. A couple of pictures from medical school. Graduation. Her first official picture as a junior doctor at Holby. Several selfies of her and Morven, mostly drunk and pulling faces, occasionally joined by Zosia, Dom and Ollie. A snap of the two sisters, one which Jac only vaguely remembered being drunkenly coerced into at the Albie's fundraiser, and one of the only pictures she had of them together.

As the song came to an end, the screen was illuminated for the final time with a snap of Jasmine and Emma, taken the first day they met. The look of wonder in her sister's eyes and fascination in her daughter's caused Jac's vision to blur, the tears she'd been holding back spilling over as the final notes faded away.

Forcing herself to breathe deeply, she tried to regain her composure. The day wasn't over yet, and she couldn't allow herself to break down fully in front of everybody. She had to keep it together, not just for herself but for everyone else. Jasmine deserved the best send-off they could give her, and she was determined to do her proud.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So I wasn't too happy with the lack of funeral scenes on Tuesday night, but I guess at least it means we can have our own visions of what happened instead of probably hating how it was written on the show hahaha. Anyway, I hope this is satisfying for anyone who wants to fill in the blanks they gave us. I promise (for real this time!) there's only one more part to go after this. I think this is my fave chapter so far, added in a few of our favourite Holby/Casualty regulars just to mix things up :) apologies as ever for any mistakes.**

 **Hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think/constructive criticism always welcome x**

The ceremony had ended, the burial had taken place, and the guests had gathered in front of the church before heading over to Albie's for the wake. Jac was pleased to see the sunshine hadn't disappeared during the service as she made her way down the path, Morven a few steps behind her – it made the day slightly more bearable. She'd been right. The funeral really had been beautiful, striking the perfect balance between mourning and celebration, and the consultant was incredibly glad she'd asked for the younger woman's help. It had taken her a lot to do so, but she couldn't have pulled it off without her.

Just then, Morven interrupted her train of thought. "Jac, will you be okay for a sec if I just go say hi to Cameron? It's just, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to make it and…" she trailed off. She had the overwhelming urge to go and hug him, needing the comfort, but she wouldn't dream of abandoning the older woman if she needed her. The corners of Jac's lips curled up into a tiny smile.

"No, it's fine. Go to him. I'll see you at Albie's." With her approval, Morven turned to walk away. "Oh, and Morven?" The girl looked back questioningly. "Thank you." Although those words were so simple, they held so much meaning and Morven seemed to understand exactly what she was trying to say, flashing Jac a soft smile and reaching out to stroke her back lightly before moving towards her kind-of boyfriend.

As more people began to leave the church, Jac felt slightly self-conscious at being on the receiving end of so many sympathetic (or pitying, she thought to herself) looks. There seemed to be an endless stream of well-wishers, telling her how wonderful the ceremony had been and how sorry they were for her loss. Jac wasn't entirely sure what she was supposed to say in times like this - she'd always hated being the centre of attention, and hated being pitied even more. Mostly she settled for an awkward "thank you" or a gentle nod, unsure of how else to react. Just as she was wondering whether she could escape unnoticed by those around her, Jac noticed two familiar figures heading her way. Attempting to conceal her surprise as none other than Connie Beauchamp appeared in front of her, accompanied by Mo, she steeled herself for what was to come.

"Jac, hi," the clinical lead greeted her. "I'm so sorry for your loss. It was a lovely service." Jac tilted her head gratefully.

"Thank you. I didn't expect to see you here. You didn't know Jasmine, did you?"

"No, I hadn't met her. But a few of my colleagues had." She gestured behind her, Jac following her line of sight to see two paramedics – she had a vague feeling they were called Iain and Jeremy? – talking amongst themselves. "Obviously we all heard what had happened, and when they asked me for time off so they could come and pay their respects I thought I'd come with them. You know, to show my support and all that."

Jac was touched by her ex-colleague's words. "Well, thank you for coming. It means a lot."

The brunette smiled sadly. "You're very welcome. I only wish I'd had the chance to meet your sister, from what I hear she was a lovely girl with a bright future ahead of her. Although I've been told she inherited your feistiness and stubborn streak,' Connie teased gently, causing the redhead to chuckle for the first time all day.

"Yeah, you can say that again," Jac smirked. "Will you be joining us at Albie's? I was about to head over there." Connie shook her head.

"I'd love to, but I have to get back. The ED will be falling apart without me," she joked. "You know where I am though, if you ever need anything. Or if you just want someone to talk to. We really don't see enough of each other these days."

"I'll bear that in mind," Jac replied. "Thanks again for coming." Connie placed her hand on the redhead's arm, squeezing it before turning back towards her colleagues.

"Take care of yourself. You too, Mo." She made her way back to the waiting paramedics, leaving Jac and Mo alone. The redhead looked at the ground, trying to avoid her friend's eyes.

"Hey you," Mo said softly after a beat of silence. "How are you holding up?" The genuine concern in her voice caused a lump to rise in Jac's throat. It was still so foreign to her to have people around her who actually cared, people she could trust and who understood her; she didn't think she'd ever fully get used to it.

"I'm okay," she replied quietly, hoping to brush over her feelings for now. She wasn't sure how much longer she could keep her emotions at bay, but she didn't want to lose it in front of everybody. "I didn't know you were coming, either. Thank you. I really appreciate it, and I know Jasmine would too. She always loved working with you." Mo smiled sadly.

"She was a special girl, that one. Even before I knew she was your sister, I could see she had the potential to be amazing. She was so like you in so many ways, but so different in others. Like you were two halves of the same coin, or something."

Jac sniffed. "It's funny, everyone keeps saying that, but I hadn't really noticed _how_ similar we were until she was gone. How could I not have seen it?"

Mo shook her head in understanding. "That's just the way life is, Jac, you know that. Sometimes we don't appreciate things for what they are until we no longer have them." At this, she saw Jac's usual façade begin to crumble.

"I just can't believe she's gone, Mo. It still feels so surreal. She spent so many years trying to find me, and when she finally did she was snatched away. It's just not _fair_ ," she choked out.

"You're right, none of this is fair. But you know more than anyone that life isn't fair." Mo studied her friend carefully. "You sure you're up for Albie's? I can just take you home if not, I'm sure people will understand." Jac grimaced.

"No, they won't. They'll just think I'm a cold-hearted bitch with no feelings who can't even be bothered to show up for her own sister's wake. I have to go." She coughed, and corrected herself. "I want to go. I want to celebrate her life and hear everyone's stories about her, there's so much I never got the chance to ask. I owe it to her to find out."

Her hoarse tone of voice gave away so many conflicting emotions, and Mo was surprised at how open the redhead was being with her. She knew Jasmine's death had affected Jac in ways the woman herself had probably never expected it to, and she was glad she could offer even the slightest bit of support in her friend's time of need. No matter her faults, Jac had always been there for her in the toughest times and now it was Mo's turn to repay the favour.

"Come on then, we best get going or they'll have started without us!" Jac gave a watery chuckle as Mo's arm slipped around her shoulders, gently guiding her away from the church. She took one last look back before allowing herself to lean in slightly to her friend's touch, the relief of knowing she didn't have to face the wake alone washing over her as they made their way across the road.

* * *

Jac sipped at her drink, listening intently as Morven launched into yet another tale of hers and Jasmine's drunken antics. For the past hour, their colleagues had been taking it in turns to share stories of nights out they'd shared with the young doctor during her time at Holby, conversations they'd had and things she'd told them (usually after a bottle of wine or two). Hanssen and Bernie had already left, Serena with them, after which the younger staff members had relaxed slightly and began to reveal even more of their friend's outlandish escapades. Although she hadn't contributed to the discussion much, Jac actually hadn't found it as difficult as she'd expected, taking the opportunity to soak up every morsel of information on her sister she could get her hands on instead of dwelling on her pent-up sorrow. She wasn't sure why it was suddenly so important to her to find out even the most trivial of things, but she knew she had to make the most of what they were sharing.

"She told me once that she wanted to go travelling again," she heard Ollie declare. "Africa, I think she said? She did always seem like a bit of a free spirit." Listening to her colleagues talk about Jasmine's future plans, a future that had been cruelly ripped away from her, caused something inside Jac to shift painfully. Suddenly she couldn't take any more, and she stood abruptly, everyone's heads turning in her direction. "I need another drink," she blurted out, ignoring the concerned looks of Mo and Zosia on either side of her. Striding over to the bar as fast as she could, relieved to escape their eyeline for a minute, Jac allowed her head to drop as she leant against the cool wooden surface, taking deep breaths to steady herself. Just then she felt a large hand on her back, immediately tensing and straightening up. Looking round swiftly, she allowed herself to relax as the kindly face of her best friend came into view.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I've barely seen you all day, so when you got up all of a sudden I thought I'd come and check in with you. Everything okay?"

Jac didn't know why, but there was something about the caring nature of Sacha's question that forced her to blink back tears for the umpteenth time that day.

"It's all just so overwhelming," she whispered. "I don't know what or how I'm supposed to feel and I hate it. And hearing Oliver talk about Jasmine's future was just too much. It doesn't feel real that she's gone, that she won't get to live her dreams, Sacha. None of this feels real."

"Oh, Jac," he murmured, pulling her into a bear hug. No longer caring whether anyone was watching, Jac sank into his arms, allowing a few stray tears to fall as Sacha rocked her back and forth, humming gently as he did so. "I think you should go home soon. Today must have been so tough for you, why don't go and get Emma and spend the night doing whatever you want to do with her? I think it'll help." The redhead nodded against his chest.

"I will," she mumbled.

"I can drop you off if you like? I'm not letting you drive when you're like this," Sacha warned.

"No, it's fine, I'll get a taxi. I could use the alone time to get myself together before I have to face her," she replied, and Sacha nodded. "Besides, there's something I need to do first." She stepped backwards out of his embrace, but before she could move away fully he pulled her back into his arms, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"I'm really proud of you, Jac. And I know Jasmine would have been, too," he said quietly. Glassy-eyed, she smiled sadly at her best friend, knowing Sacha knew how much she needed to hear those words. After a moment's silence, she broke the hug and the two headed back over to their colleagues. Seeing her approach, Jac noticed Zosia slyly nudge Ollie, who looked up shamefully.

"Jac, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," he apologised. Jac shook her head.

"No, I know," she replied. "It's not your fault. Actually, I think I'm going to head off. It's been a long day and I need to get home to Emma. I just wanted to thank you all again for coming, it really does mean a lot. I've set up a tab behind the bar, so please feel free to drink as much as you like and make a night of it. I'm sure we can all agree it's what Jasmine would've wanted." Everyone chuckled as she finished her speech.

"Definitely," Morven smiled.

As Jac was about to leave, Mo caught her arm. "Listen, I was gonna come see Jonny Mac tomorrow before I head back to London, is that okay?" Jac nodded; it would be good for the two to catch up, and Emma would love seeing her Auntie Mo again. "Sure. See you tomorrow," she replied, earning a chorus of goodbyes and well-wishes as she made her way out of the bar.

There was one more thing she had to do, for her own peace of mind more than anything else. Seeing a taxi drive up just down the road, JAc quickly made her way over. "The cemetery, please." As they pulled away from the kerb, she took a deep breath. It was now or never.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Somehow this ended up at almost 4000 words, but I couldn't decide where to split it so instead you're getting an extra long final chapter! This is the last part of this fic, I'll hopefully be updating Protection soon (and probably some more oneshots to come). As always, thanks for reading and please let me know what you think :)**

"I'm not really sure why I'm doing this."

Jac knelt in front of her sister's grave, seemingly speaking into thin air. There wasn't a single other person in the cemetery, and for that she was endlessly grateful – she felt nervous and embarrassed and downright terrified enough, without making a show of herself in public. She couldn't believe it had only been that very same morning that they'd laid Jasmine to rest. It felt like weeks had passed, and the redhead was well past the point of exhaustion. But there was one last thing she wanted to do before the day was out. She wanted to say her own goodbyes.

"Part of me thinks it's ridiculous, sitting here and talking to you as if you're still here. Maybe I'm losing it, who knows. But something Oliver said the other day stuck with me. He lost a sister too, you know, and he told me that the only way he could deal with all the words left unsaid between them was to visit her grave and to tell her them, say them out loud and hope that she could hear him. He said it helped him to finally accept his loss and grieve. I'm not sure what I believe in any more, whether there's an afterlife and you can hear me somewhere up there, but I just can't accept that you're gone forever. Not when there are so many things I never had the chance to tell you.

You know I'm rubbish with words and feelings and all that touchy-feely stuff, but I'm going to try my best to tell you everything now. I already missed my chance when you were here, so I need to say it now, before it's too late. Before I shut down and you never get to hear how much you meant to me. Still mean to me." Despite the heaviness of her words, Jac chuckled weakly to herself. "I can just hear you now – _'you do realise talking to yourself is the first sign of madness, don't you, Jac?_ " There was no doubt in Jac's mind that the younger woman would tease her in this way, _like sisters do,_ she thought sadly. "So, yeah. If you're out there somewhere, please listen to what I have to say. It's not going to be easy for me, but I want to do this, I _need_ to. For myself, and for you."

After a few beats of silence, Jac began to carefully empty out the contents of her bag. She'd stopped by her flat on the way over to bring a couple of things she hadn't wanted to leave in front of everyone else. Her eyes fell immediately on the large bouquet of flowers poking out of one side, a small card neatly tucked amongst them bearing the message:

"For Jasmine,

Beloved sister and auntie.

Forever in our hearts.

xx"

As she busied herself by rearranging the flowers around the grave, Jac continued to speak. "I know there's already a lot of flowers here, Morven and I told everyone who asked to bring something colourful – we thought that's what you'd want, the brighter the better. But I wanted to bring you something personal too. I'm not very good with flowers, so I asked the lady in the shop to help me choose, and she picked these. They're pink and white carnations, see? The white ones, she said, represent pure love, and the pink ones mean "I will never forget you". I thought they were appropriate." She wondered whether to elaborate further, but decided against it - the meanings spoke for themselves. Having made a space for the bouquet at the very top of the grave, Jac gently placed them down, making sure the card was visible. She wanted the world ( _and Jasmine_ , a voice whispered in her ear, _if she can see this_ ) to know who'd laid them, an unusual move from a woman who generally preferred to keep her feelings hidden. Turning back around, she pulled another couple of items from her bag.

"I brought you these, too. They're actually from Emma," Jac's tone became softer as she spoke about her daughter, a small yellow teddy bear and a drawing clutched in her hands. "I think she would've liked to be here today but I didn't want her to come, I hope you can understand that. She's so young, too young to experience so much sorrow and grief. I had to shield her from it all. Protect her, like I failed to protect you. I didn't want to scare her by seeing me in such a state, either, so I left her with Jonny. But please don't think that means she loves you any less, or that I want her to forget about you. I promise I won't let that happen. She hasn't stopped talking about you, asking questions… I'm not sure she fully understands what happened, but she knows you won't be coming back. I made sure she knows that it wasn't anything she did and that you still love her so much, though, and I'll keep reminding her. You don't have to worry about that."

"She cried for hours when we told her Auntie Jasmine was gone, I couldn't settle her at all. In the end she slept in my bed that night, for the first time since she was tiny, and I held her as she cried herself to sleep. Then I did the same. She hasn't let go of that bear you bought her since – it hasn't left her side once. She's even renamed it Jasmine, in your honour. I think she thinks that by doing that, it's like you're still with her." Glancing down at the teddy in her hand, Jac exhaled, trying to maintain her composure. "Emma picked this teddy out the other day. She turned around and said _"look, Mummy, it has hair like Auntie Jas!",_ and I wanted to cry right there on the gave it a kiss and pressed it into my hands, and she asked me to bring it to you today, so that you'd have it with you forever." She gently reached forwards and placed the bear beside her flowers, its golden fur glinting in the sun. "She wants you to call it Emma, so you know she's with you all the time." At this, her voice cracked. "Just like you'll be with her." Stroking the bear with her free hand, Jac allowed a few tears to fall. Swallowing, she willed herself to continue, knowing that she couldn't give up now. Not when she'd started to let go.

"Emma drew you a picture, too." She held the sheet of paper at arm's length, unable to make out anything but a blur. "I laminated it so it doesn't get wet," she blinked furiously, trying to clear her line of vision. "There's a tall stick person with red hair, I think that's meant to be me," she chuckled through her tears, "and a slightly shorter one with bright yellow hair, that's obviously you. And between us there's Emma. She's written something, too. Well, I helped her write it, but the words are all hers. I think Jonny's been telling her how she can remember you." The redhead struggled to keep the tears at bay as she read out loud the jumbled letters of her daughter's scrawl, mingled with her own neat handwriting.

" _Dear Auntie Jas,_

 _When I see a bright star I will think of you._

 _I miss your hugs and kisses._

 _I love you._

 _Love from your princess, Emma"_

As she spoke her daughter's name aloud, Jac shakily placed the drawing on the ground, making sure it was held down by the flowers and wouldn't blow away. Tears falling freely now, the words were rolling off her tongue. Now that she'd started, all the unspoken thoughts and feelings she'd bottled up over the past few months were spilling out and she couldn't stop them, nor did she really want to. She needed to say them out loud, to tell her sister every last little thing, before she could even begin to move forward.

"I'm so sorry I kept you from her for so long, Jasmine. I'm sorry we didn't have more time together. I was selfish and scared and I regret every second of it, but I thought I was protecting myself, and Emma, too. I need you to understand why I acted the way I did, why I pushed you away time and time again.

When I looked at you, all I could see was Paula. All I could think about was that _you_ got to stay with her and I didn't, that your life was so much better than mine and it wasn't _fair_. Why should I have gone through hell, been left all alone in the world, when she gave you everything I never had? I was jealous. I hated it, hated her, hated the idea of you by extension. Of course, I know now that your life was far from perfect too, that she wasn't capable of loving and caring for any child the way either of us deserved, but by that time we'd already lost out on too much to go back.

I hope you know that it was never about you. I never hated you because of yourself, I hated you because of her. And that wasn't fair. You were just a _child,_ Jasmine, you weren't to know what she'd done to me. It wasn't your fault that she dragged you into her mess. I acted like I'd moved on, like I didn't care about Paula any more, but truth is, I did. I was angry and heartbroken and scarred, and I took it out on you because you were an easy target. And I'll regret that for as long as I live. You didn't deserve it, Jasmine, you didn't deserve any of it. I'm sorry."

Jac squeezed her eyes tightly shut, more tears cascading over her cheeks.

"What Paula did destroyed me, you know. She made me think I was unlovable, that there was something so fundamentally wrong with me that my own mother couldn't bear to stay, and what else was I supposed to believe? I don't think I ever knew what love really was. Paula never showed me any affection. I don't ever remember her hugging me or telling me she loved me. Do you know how damaging that is to a child, to know they're not loved? I loved her, of course I did, she was my mother, but then she left me, and with her she took away everything I'd ever known. I didn't know who I was any more. Eventually I built myself a new life, made a name for myself, but from the day she left I promised myself that I'd never let anyone close enough to hurt me like that again.

Everybody thinks I'm this cold, uncaring bitch with no feelings, but the truth is I'm a mess. Underneath it all I'm still that broken, lonely girl who never stopped hurting, only learnt how to cover up the pain. I only act the way I do because it's easier than the alternative. It's easier to pretend I don't care, to have people afraid of me or hating me, than to admit weakness and to show them how damaged I am. There's only a handful of people who've ever managed to break down my walls enough to see it, but even hey always leave me in the end. The irony is that by trying to stop myself from getting hurt, I do the hurting myself. All of this is my fault. I was so scared you'd be like her, scared you'd come to take away everything I'd worked so hard to achieve, and I couldn't let that happen. You threatened everything and I was so worried you'd destroy me once again. And I couldn't risk letting you hurt Emma. I promised when she was born that she'd never have to feel even an ounce of the pain I'd felt, and so far I'd succeeded."

Sniffing, Jac tried to catch her breath. She didn't want to pause for too long, afraid that her dwindling strength would disappear before she'd had the chance to finish what she needed to say.

"That first day I met you at the hospital, I took a shine to you straight away. It doesn't happen very often – you know that – but I really did see a part of myself in you, and I felt a connection. You were funny, and smart, and brave, and I thought I'd give you a chance. And then I found out who you were, and my whole world started spinning. I was so threatened by your presence, and the feelings I'd long since tried to suppress, that I did the only thing I know how to – I pushed you away. I kept pushing, and pushing, and pushing, until you hated me just as much as I hated you. Except I didn't, you see. That was the problem. I didn't hate you, I was scared of what you could do. But I pretended to, and refused to admit anything else, even to myself.

Then Serena came along, and everything changed. I don't know why, but something inside me snapped that day I found you crying in the corridor, and I felt this overwhelming urge to protect you. That's what big sisters are meant to do, right? Only I couldn't tell you that because you still had the power to hurt me, and I couldn't show it because that would make me weak. So I went to Hanssen behind your back, and I made a complaint. I don't know if you ever found out it was me, but I wasn't prepared to stand there and watch her bully you any longer. I could see you were struggling, you'd lost your spark, and I had to help. I wish I'd been brave enough to tell you back then, to show you that I really did care. Maybe things would've worked out differently.

I did let it slip once. I'm not sure if you remember. Serena had put your name forward for a huge op, and I knew it would be too much for you to handle. You were too young, too inexperienced, not to mention clearly exhausted – she was setting you up to fail, and I tried to warn you. I told you I was trying to protect you, that you shouldn't risk it, but you took my words the wrong way and you thought I was trying to ruin things for you. I don't blame you, honestly. Why would you have believed that I was looking out for you? I hadn't given you any reason to trust me. If only I'd tried to help you, really shown you that I was sincere. I was worried about you, but still I didn't let myself get close. I convinced myself you could handle it.

And then, well, you know what happened next. I'd snuck down to AAU to check up on you when I heard raised voices, and then I saw you. You looked terrified, like a scared little girl and I knew then that I couldn't let it go on any longer. I didn't care who was watching any more, I just threw myself between you and Serena and warned her that if she wanted to get to you, she'd have to go through me first. I'm honestly not sure which of us was more shocked, but all I cared about was that you were okay. I hope you realised then that I cared for you, more than I liked to admit. I guess in a way, that incident was a blessing in disguise. I hated seeing you so upset, but it brought us closer together and I'm thankful for that."

Absentmindedly, Jac wondered if it would have been this easy to just talk to Jasmine all those months ago.

"The one thing I'm grateful for is that we did get to spend some time together before it was too late. Seeing you with Emma for the first time is something I'll never forget, I never even thought I'd be lucky enough to have my own child let alone have a sister to spoil them rotten. She fell in love with you the minute she set eyes on you, and I know you felt the same. Seeing the two of you together made me sure I'd done the right thing by letting you into our lives, and I'm just sorry I didn't do it sooner. And even though I never told you, I was loving getting to know you. Getting to know my sister. I had so many plans for the two of us, for all of us, and now all of them have been torn away from me." Jac barely suppressed a sob as the emotions overcame her. "I thought we had the rest of our lives together. There are so many things I wanted us to do and now we'll never get that chance."

She hiccoughed. "I'm so sorry, Jasmine. I'm sorry we missed out on so much and I'm sorry you had to be taken away from us. I didn't deserve a sister like you. You were so clever, so beautiful, so full of life, and you deserved so much better than me. If I could swap places with you I would in a heartbeat. You had so much potential, so much life left to live, and I'd give anything to give that to you."

Reaching into her bag once more, Jac's fingers curled around a fine silver chain. Twisting it between her hands, she carried on talking between the occasional sniffle.

"Morven gave me your locket, a couple of days after the accident. She found it in your locker, and she thought I should have it. I didn't realise it was still so special to you, even after we made up. I haven't been wearing it round my neck, partly because I'd have to take it off every time I'm needed in surgery. But the main reason is that I don't want people to see it. I want to keep it a secret, something nobody else knows about. There aren't many things I have that remind me of you, and I want to keep this all to myself. I hope you don't mind. I've carried it with me everywhere since that day, so don't ever think I don't realise how important it is. It's always with me, a little piece of you, of _us._ Somewhere nobody else will ever find it."

Drawing a deep breath, Jac prepared herself for the words she was about to say. This was the hardest part of all, but also probably the most important.

"There's one last thing I need you to know, and I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. I'm sorry I didn't tell you every single day. I love you. I love you, and I think deep down I have done for a long time. And I know I always will. It hurts so much that I never got the chance to say those words, that I was too scared, that you didn't know. I hope you're listening now, because I _need_ you to know. I need you to know that I love you, Jasmine," Jac sobbed, her voice hoarse. "I'll keep telling you every day, I promise. You're my sister, and I love you."

At this final declaration, the redhead finally let herself break down. She wasn't sure how long she knelt beside her sister's grave, shoulders shaking with the sobs she'd been trying to suppress for weeks, opening herself up to her grief properly for the first time. It could've been ten minutes or ten hours, Jac had no idea, but by the time her sobs had calmed to hiccoughs the sun was beginning to fade. She'd never felt exhaustion like it in her life, except when she was in labour– the day's emotions had finally caught up with her, leaving her drained in more ways than one. Her eyes were undoubtedly swollen and already stinging, the remains of her shakily applied makeup long gone but for a few telltale traces. Despite all that, she felt… _lighter_ , somehow. Like now that she'd finally opened up, not just to Jasmine but to herself too, she could finally start to grieve properly. She was sure the residual guilt would never fully disappear, but getting it all out of her system had indeed been cathartic.

It was only then that Jac realised she was shivering, whether from the drop in temperatures or merely her extreme emotional state she wasn't sure. Sighing and attempting to pull herself together, she slowly stretched.

"I have to go now. I need to get back to Emma and make sure she's okay. Maybe I'll bring her with me to visit you some time? If she wants to, that is." She paused. "I'm really glad I came here today. I think it's helped me to accept a few things. I just hope that wherever you are, you heard every word of it because I meant it all from the bottom of my heart." She hauled herself up from her position on the ground, wincing slightly at the niggle in her back from sitting for so long. Still clutching the locket tightly, she raised the cool metal to her lips and kissed it gently, eyes tightly shut.

"I love you, Jasmine. Sleep well."


End file.
